I'm searching for something...

I'm searching for something... // -->

Tuesday, July 29

...

broke the news to me today. when he started talking, somehow i just know what he's gonna say. I held my breath till he finished his sentence, then i let go. there was silence after that. i felt so awkward. he must have felt that way too. should have consider his feelings. but then again, what can i say?

[loss for words...]

Heli Dont ask me why 10:31 PM

Sunday, July 27

Stranger

Sometimes i find myself living in a very ironic world. I went to church today. Before i left the house, told my dad that i was going out to study. well, he had suspected that i would be going to church, of course, i denied. Anyway, enjoyed what pastor prince talked about today. And i didn't really pay attention to the last verse.. coz the very next thing...

".. with every head bowed and every eyes closed.. where ever you are.. just raised your hands.. if you want pastor prince to pray for you.. just raise your hands.. "

wah..this part is the most dreadful..coz i can't make up my mind. i nearly raised up my hands.. badly wanted to.. but the thought of my dad opposing me turning into one really stop me from doing so. maybe he is afraid that the next time he die, nobody to "song zhong"? but he don't seem to be very much of a buddist or taoist.. or maybe because of my granddad's death? ar.. don't know..

I thought, the only way to settle this is to speak to him. But.. i don't dare to talk to him at all. As in, like strangers. I can talk to strangers and i know how to. but not to a person that once had been close to me before but i had become a stranger in my eyes now.. it's very awkward. not just my dad, probably my whole entire family. Maybe all the while, i hadn't been able to express my thoughts well.. and then kept things to myself. i don't expose myself to them like i do outside. hm.. now that maybe i want to start improve on our relationship, chances just slip away. Eldest brother staying in hostel. 2nd brother NS. Dad always out with her. if not, with her all the time. Arh.. dad and brothers busy with their own life. So.. house getting more and more quiet. i don't know what to say already.

Find that i am a weird person too. Don't you guys think so? i know how to talk things to others.. yet somethings i appeared to have lost my own reasonings.. hm.. and i want to apologise to the person i went out with today. suddenly walked off after the thing. just feel like being alone and feel rather awkward to go out with your friend too. sorry, sometimes i just had this kind of weird [mood swings]. hope you won't be angry with me.

:: a person that once had been close to me before yet just another stranger in my eyes now ::

Heli Dont ask me why 4:50 PM

Saturday, July 26

Change in me

teckwee: wei..don't feel so sad.."you already tried your best.." i think everybody has been repeating this sentence to you ba..so i am not going to say coz i don't think it's going to be of any use. As your house captain, as your friend, i am telling you that you had run well. Its not all about that trophy, or getting into top 10..or what so ever..of course it would be good to help get top position and achieve better results for the house..but to me, i don't think the results matter. let me share with you guys something.

In the past, i used to be very determined, have that kind of "i must win" mentality.. and after today, i realised that.. i am not that competitive anymore.. i initially was leading till the traffic light.. then sindy overtook me.. and then gradually i slow down and the rest overtook me.. okay.. put it this way, i don't think i had tried my very best.. and then from a 1st.. 2nd.. to 8th.. i wasn't.. put it this way, in the past i sure will be so disappointed.. and then.. just.. very very sad.. seeing all those in front of me passing me one by one.. but this time round.. i didn't. was it because 8th was already very good? was it because the trophy doesn't matter to me that much anymore? no.. at least i don't think so.. i think its because.. my level of expectation had.. dropped? actually.. while i was typing this.. i questioned myself again.. "am i really not that sad that i hadn't done better?" and my heart ached.. so.. very ironic.. i also don't know what am i trying to say.. and i don't know if you would feel better after reading this.. maybe what i was trying to tell you is.. you did put in your very best and that you deserve more than just a medal.. and as for me.. i did give up along the way.. ahh.. thinking back, i really regretted .. somemore at the end liaoz.. yet i give up.. so.. i think if we were to switch scenario.. i think you would get what i mean liaoz..

ahh.. i don't know what am i typing too. so much mixed feeling inside me.. anyway, i want to let you know, i am not disappointed but happy for you. you had been a good track n field coordinator.. thank you so much. okay, if you feel sad now.. [though you're a guy] cry out all you want.. BUT after crying.. don't think about it again.. its history already and that you cannot be stuck there. okay? it's just a x-country.. a very small event in your life.. you have other things to do so don't let this affect you too much okay? cheer up boy.. i am proud of you!

was it a good thing that i wasn't as determine as before?

Heli Dont ask me why 8:13 PM

Friday, July 25

ah.. kept coming to my blog and see that stupid entry of mine on the 21st of july.. ahh.. gonna talk about something else..
lately realise that.. i find it hard to talk to someone.. friends.. anyone.. and i suddenly tongue-tied.. don't know how to start a conversation.. i don't know how to carry on talking.. like.. lost my mouth? sometimes i asked stupid question to start something going.. and its always like.. out of the blue.. don't know why too.. very solemn lately.. sometimes just prefer to be alone.. and get damn crazy sometimes in class.. ahh.. why am i like this le..

to add on to my comments on the previous entry.. ahh.. i kept posting unhappy things in this blog of mine.. and some of you commented.. yah.. i understand what you guys want to tell me.. just that.. i too don't understand why am i behaving like this.. if i am you guys.. i also don't know what to tell myself.. why do i have to lead my life this way.. and moreover i dislike this kind of life.. how come i just don't shake it away? but lucky God gave me a strong mind.. that i am slightly stronger than some others.. and that i will be able to pick myself up each time i fall.. i don't believe i am so easily defeated.. i don't believe i will be stuck and jam in this stage of my life that it just kept repeating.. i want to move on.. let me cast this history aside and move on with life.. with even more courage and determination.. i want to make a difference in YOUR life and MY life.. =)

Gambling with my life.. playing with my life.. or fighting against my life..

Heli Dont ask me why 8:23 PM

Monday, July 21

okay guys.. i am sorry for what i did.. i am sorry that i let all of you down.. i am sorry that i am not a good role model.. i am sorry i had shown a bad example to the juniors.. i am sorry that i had drank.. and causes the rest to join in as well.. i am sorry that i am a big asshole.. i don't listen to advices.. i sucks.. and now i had create an image that the student leaders are getting worse.. (to jz:i saw your comments.) other that this word "sorry" i really have nothing else to say..

To all:

drinking.. yes.. it's bad.. i know.. what's more i am a police cadet.. i think i know the laws better.. and but i don't think you give a damn.. because so what if i know.. in the end, here i am breaking it.. fine.. i sucks.. i am not fit to be.. i am worse off than my juniors.. i don't deserve to be what i am given now..

lingwei: i want to say sorry to you first.. it's not your fault for giving us those beers.. i asked for it myself.. and i started it off... it's not your fault gerl... i am sorry...

belle: sorry too.. don't start thinking you have the responsibility of stopping us from drinking.. no.. if let say we really wanted to, i am sorry, i guess nobody can stop this.. it's not your fault.. you stopped me from drinking.. the last can..

yingxian: boiling with anger now? actually.. i think.. i had gone far too much.. everytime you tell me things.. i din listen at all.. not that you are no good.. i am glad to have you as a friend.. just that.. it's unlucky that you had found me.. i am just simply too stubborn.. alot of times i really tried listening.. but in the end.. put it this way.. i am not worthy.. enuff for what you had said.. you had repeated yourself many times.. it's not your fault that i din listen.. yes.. i am asshole.. i.. sorry...

bam: sorry.. suppose to be the role model for them.. suppose to set good examples for them.. end up.. i am a letdown.. what had gotten in me that night.. drinking.. when i saw you today.. i din dare to look into your eyes.. for fear of seeing that.. dissapointed look.. but i deserve it.. what kind of examples am i setting.. and you mention that i am strong.. i beg to differ.. ain i showing you the true side of me now? after what had happened?

gnotos: i am not a good drinker.. just that.. perhaps God don't want me to get drunk.. perhaps.. no matter how hard i try to run away.. it just.. wouldn't go away.. it would never.. unless i face up to it.. anyway.. maybe church.. would be a good thing i should join.. at least.. then i would have something.. someone to tell when i had no one to turn to.. but no.. it's not that no one willing to listen.. just that.. i bottled them in my heart.. maybe one day..

kim: 1500m.. yes.. i fell and i run.. but so what.. i lost the race.. yes.. its no big deal.. just a race.. so what i win.. and so what if i lose.. life goes on.. right? you see.. i know the rules.. i know the game.. i know what to tell myself.. i know how to talk terms.. talk about great things in life to others.. i know how to encourage them.. but i don't know how to.. face myself.. the spirit.. me not giving up.. what the heck.. thanks for your concern anyway..

those that drank: guys.. sorry... i started it.. with 3 cans.. and you guys joined too.. sorry.. actually, if i didn't start at all, things wouldn't happen.. at least you guys won't end up drinking.. i know i am not fit to say these, but i still want to say. drinking... really is bad.. bad for health.. make your friends around you sad.. make you sad as well.. no point.. waste money.. it would be better if you face up to the problem and solve it once and for all.. drinking.. arh.. discard this choice away.. let that night be the last night.. for that mistake you and i have committed.. let it be the last and no more.. alright?

jinglin: sorry jinglin.. lucky you reminded me something when you said that if i continue to drink, you will break the friendship i shared with you.. and.. i did listen.. and what you said to me the night.. don't worry.. i am okay.. i will be your strong strong heli.. i will..

cass: i know you weren't happy that night too.. with me drinking.. like.. back to the past.. guess you were dissapointed in your jie.. i din consider your feelings.. i am just a jerk.. don't be like me.. never.. i am not a gd sis.. how can i be good.. sorry cass.. once again.. i had make you lost faith in me.. i am sorry..

heis: even though how badly you wanted to stop me from drinking, you can't.. but that doesn't mean i will not.. that time we went to church together.. and what we talked about.. ... actually i don't know what to say either..

have i said enuff.. all i know is to say "i am sorry...", "i won't do it again.." whatever.. i know its.. its meaningless.. like i am just saying out for fun.. and later on in life, i will still do it.. i am like.. walking aimlessly down the road.. i kept saying i have big dreams.. i want to be a teacher.. i want to be whatever.. ...
headprefect.. so what.. it's given this post that i force myself to be so discipline.. yet.. many things i wanted to do.. but its because of this post.. i can't.. i have to set examples.. i can't be late.. i can't do this.. can't do that.. and now i pushing all the blame to my post.. hey heli.. you sucks you know that.. you blame everyone in the whole damn world except yourself.. what the fuck is wrong with you..

To my family:

dad: don't know if you will see this.. i don't wish you will ever see this anyway.. pointless for me to say anything.. must be very ashamed of what your daughter has done.. all these while, proud that i am a headprefect.. station inspector.. whatever crap.. and now is like.. broken? i am not fit to be your daugher.. you are a great father.. i don't deserve it.. arr.. don't know what to say...

zhihui: here's your sis.. drinking.. not being a good student.. you know what.. i admired you alot.. you are great.. president.. house captain.. csm.. whatever too.. and you enjoyed it.. don't you? and what about me.. i am struggling because of all these.. i fought so hard just to show mum.. and when has she gone.. everything appears to meaningless now.. kor.. you always outshined me..

zhiguang: though we never talked.. arr.. don't think you are happy with life too.. today's your first day of university.. wanted to wish you good luck yesterday.. but din have the courage.. i don't dare to look into your eyes.. and it's long time since i ever look into your eyes.. can we be brother sister? do you acknowledge me as one? why does friends around me.. at least.. they talk.. communicate to their siblings.. i want to see the gd brother side of you.. show me.. will you?

mum: out of everyone.. every single one of them here.. those i mentioned.. i think, you wouldn't get the chance to read anyway.. but still, i want to write.. i treat you as if you are still alive.. you know.. scold me or whatever.. i drink.. all the things i had done.. i am sorry.. i don't know where you are now.. everybody tells me that you will know what i had done.. i am scared.. but do you know how badly i feel now.. i want you to scold.. i want you to wake me up from this terrible dream.. i know everyone is going to say.. "wake up heli.. she's not there anymore.." i don't care.. say that i am foolish.. whatever.. i rather choose that you are here.. still here... mum..

okay.. this is.. contradictions.. one minute i said i want to let go.. and now i said, she's still around me.. whatever.. up to you guys to go.. think about me.. i know the image of me in front of you guys.. its already damaged.. bam, i am not strong.. at least i don't think i am.. determined? and i guess.. i said different things to many.. i don't even know what am i doing now.. why do i still mention my family members name when some wouldn't be able to see it still.. this is.. i don't know what to describe.. all of you should know that, how you guys value me.. how you guys think of me.. matters to me alot.. but then again.. i had no right to stop your from thinking.. think.. say what you want.. i had portrait a bad side of myself to you.. that it had covered my good side in the darkness.. i guess.. i won't have the courage.. to look at anyone of you.. into your eyes.. like i said, i fear the dissapointment look..

sorry guys.. i know i am not a good friend.. i am.. irritating.. annoying.. arr.. whatever.. pessimist.. yet i could talk sense to some at times.. yes.. that's why my blog is called the_mask.. and i asked myself many times.. maybe you guys had wondered before... is this blog just something to cover myself? from the real me? or what? and then some will start saying that.. i don't trust you guys.. i don't treat you like friends.. i don't share.. and that.. burdens.. i should share with you guys.. so that it wouldn't be heavy for me.. what can i say...

don't be angry.. don't get upset.. i don't know what to say too.. i tried to stay happy.. and that try to listen and help all of you.. end up.. here i am hurting you guys.. how cruel can i get..

Heli Dont ask me why 5:50 PM

Sunday, July 20

actually.. don't u guys find it irritating.. find it annoying.. pissed? ain you guys tired of talking to me .. telling me not to think of the past.. learn to let go.. don't do this.. and that.. ain you tired of repeating all these to me? i mean, i don't mind.. as in.. i appreciate what you guys tell me and that it shows that you guys cared.. but.. it really.. doesn't it makes you guys tired? repeating it to me and that's not the worst.. what's worst is that.. i hardly get it in..

Heli Dont ask me why 9:55 PM

.. heavy rather heavy now.. phew.. drank quite.. a lot just now.. bout 6 to 8 cans.. don't know how many cans too.. argh.. and the next question you may be asking is why do i want to drink.. frankly.. i just don't know.. really.. i don't know how to describe the feeling.. like.. i gulped down one can at one go.. it's.. when it goes down my throat.. really rather.. "aciditing..." i don't know.. i just.. kept wanting to drink.. maybe.. you guys are right.. i think it's high time i have to really listen to what you guys said.. and think.. i am just running away from problems.. kkx.. i don't want to be a drunker.. i don't want to be a smoker.. i want to be just as normal as every single one of you.. i want back the past.. the more i think, the more it is more impossible.. from the start.. it's already impossible.. and i know the race.. it's long.. and i had lost from the start.. arr... i talking rubbish now... still.. dizzy....

Heli Dont ask me why 12:45 AM

Tuesday, July 15

hmz.. want to comment on my blog.. and i can say that.. out of 10, 8 of them are sad posts.. and most of it related to my mum de.. okay.. as i was reading my own post on the bus trip.. i admit, i havnen't put down the past yet.. because, i just can't help but connects everything in life with her.. even if i don't mention it.. every little little things i do.. or something.. she will just appear in my mind.. or why not put it this way, i don't she's ever out of my mind before.. let me ask something, is it because i don't want to let things rest.. or.. it's hard for me to forget about it? 1 year.. long enough? or.. i need more time.. to cope with her death? i know you guys might find that i am thinking like a child or what, i seriously believe that, if one day i die, i would get to see her.. maybe i choose to believe that, she will not leave me.. and has never left me at all.. much as i want to do away with this kind of thoughts.. it's.. useless.. pratically every moment.. other than sleeping.. i don't hate her for that.. i couldn't possibly hate her anyway.. do you guys know that.. i tried to hate her for leaving me alone in this complicated world.. that was the first few days.. after she passed away.. but i thought, it wasn't her fault that she wants to leave.. i don't know too..

one more thing is that.. whatever compo title.. whatever it is.. if i could link it to something death.. someone dies.. i would always write about my mum.. is it.. can somebody point out to me why.. why is it that.. ... very fed up with myself too.. why can't i just think of something more positive.. instead of all these.. and sometimes when you guys try to tell me your problems.. most of the time, i do comment.. i state my remarks.. and.. sad to say, i think i make you guys even.. sadder? ar... what the hell am i talking...

Heli Dont ask me why 11:28 PM

Everyone says, "How the time flies." The days go by and they are years, and the years finally become our whole life. Each daily portion can be wasted, or it can be a pleasure, before it is gone forever. If a bedtime review of the day concludes that we were too stressed, too busy, didn't accomplish anything, didn't have any fun, then it has been another lost piece of precious life.

Heli Dont ask me why 8:00 PM

Monday, July 14

sucks.. my mock report card just.. -_-'''

English - 57.0
Chinese - 50.8
Additional Mathematics - 50.0
Combined Humanities (S.G) - 56.0
History - 67.0
Mathematics - 63.0
Science (Chemistry) - 72.9
Science (Physics) - 68.2

L1R5 - 25

... hmz.. prelims coming.. 6 weeks time.. kept counting the days.. i want to do better.. i don't want to end up going nowhere.. arr... i will work extremely hard.. i promise.. arh....

Heli Dont ask me why 10:03 PM

An account on a bus ride to Suntec

I am outside now.. at the bustop waiting for bus 501 to suntec.. just left the house about 10mins ago.. and before i stepped out of the house.. saw dad and her in the kitchen and brother at the computer table.. didn't say good bye and left the house. Few minutes after, dad called and asked why didn't i told him that i was out already.. dampened.. sat at the bustop and saw those buses and cars.. passed by me one by one.. leaving me to think that i am lonely.. a guy waited at the bustop too.. and giving me the kind of look as if he was irritated by my dull face.. of course i ignored him and stared at my handphone hoping that michelle would message me quickly.. i was supposed to meet her to do homework today.. but now i am on my way to the church.. i always do these.. don't know how to manage my time well.. or rather don't know how to prioritize.. bus is here...

On bus now.. and passed by the rivervale mall.. plaza.. and i thought of her again.. recalled those times when i accompanied her to the NTUC to buy the stuffs, and that it means so much to me..those times walking with her to the NTUCs.. helping her to take those bags.. listening to her.. i remembered that, whenever i saw her taking some bags that are very heavy.. especially for her age.. and small built size.. and that i would always scold myself for not helping her.. and why did i not go with her to the supermarket.. it's really.. there's this sense of nostalgia.. my heart ached.. and i seldom cry.. because someone told me once that.. a tear that i shed, would send an ache to her heart.. whereever she maybe.. i still miss.. and truly miss her.. and today when i went online, posted an entry about how i wished that everything would be back to normal.. and also about saying myself behaving like an attention seeker.. and i guessed.. i might have irritated some like ***? don't know why.. she is the first person that comes to my mind.. partly because of the church thingy.. eh.. anti-climax.. the bus nearly crashed into another vehicle.. which also remind myself that once, i stepped out of the hose, i had absolutely no idea if i would be able to see my dad, my family members, my friends again.. and now i am back at the old xinmin site.. the bustop.. the place where i last saw her.. my mum, breathing.. moving.. everything in life.. i relate myself and the things around with her.. does this means that i still don't want to let her go? Really... i think i haven't let her go.. but how do i start.. as in.. how do i go about doing so? *shrugs*.. kkz.. back to ***.. just realised that it's 1.35pm.. and the image of me going towards the back of the queue.. and being spotted by her.. how would she react.. and think? and i also think that, i think a lot.. especially on how people think of me.. this is.. madness...

we've reached serangoon central.. my old estate.. or rather the estate i used to stay in.. again.. memories of her whirled around me.. even more vivid.. i recalled the very last time when my mum and i had to board the bus from farrer park to serangoon.. those.. its really sad.. those are just memories kept in my heart, in my mind.. yet it seems so far away.. i couldn't turn back time.. and that's why last week or the previous week, wrote a letter to mrs lim that, i dont' want to be too close to my family members and probably my friends as well.. in case one of them left me again..

Now on the expressway, the road where my dad used to drive the whole family to my grandparents house where we used to.. granddad would call me everyday and i seem heartless at times or maybe all the time.. he would call and ask if i have eaten or whatever.. and it had been a very very long time since i last saw them.. everytime got the urge want of going.. i would always give excuses to myself not to go.. and i couldn't understnd why too.. i miss them badly too.. sometimes really feared that one day during lessons, someone would knock on my classroom door and request for me to go to the office.. and i on the way to the office, the news they will be breaking to me is that.. something happened to my family members.. these are scary thoughts.. don't u agree? thoughts that i feared most.. more than anything else.. but why am i thikning thiw way when i kept telling myself that i don't want to care about anyone, anything.. anymore..

Orchard road.. shall stop writing.. felt quite gd now.. after pening all my things.. better keep.. in case i miss the stop.. shit.. it's 1350.. think i am going to be late...

Heli Dont ask me why 8:05 PM

Tuesday, July 8

hmz.. don't feel right this few days.. actually quite relieve that last week is finally over.. to me, i feel that it was a very terrible week.. a very big challenge to me in terms of my determination.. and my mentality.. and i think... it isn't over yet.. feel rather down lately.. and friends around me too.. is this the bad period..? the down seasons? the operation for the twins were over today.. and it added on to my mood.. its very depressing.. it's very shocking to hear that harshful fact.. that very truth.. that's life.. although i kept telling others including myself that.. fight till the end.. .. i don't know what to say either.. miracle just don't happen when we need them badly... when i place my hope... all of it... it doesn't happen too.. and i don't deny.. i am a very naive person.. not all races will win.. this a reality that all of us have to face up to it.. harshful facts of life.. life sucks.. forgive me for saying this.. but life truly sucks..

Heli Dont ask me why 9:48 PM

Sunday, July 6

passing up parade today.. hmz.. all of a sudden, felt so relieve.. and yet so she bu de.. few weeks ago.. or rather few days ago.. can't wait for this day to arrive.. however, while i was at the volleyball court waiting for the command to be given, memories just float across my mind.. really.. and at that point of time, i don't really want to have this parade at all.. i don't want to go through this.. but at the same time, i hope that this would be over soon.. i want to get it over and done with.. and pass up.. haiz.. now very shacked.. don't feel like typing much.. ahz.. shall continue some other day.. drank 2 mugs of carls just now.. now. burping.. as in a lot of air in my stomach like dat.. hmz.. shouldn't drink.. much.. hmz.. actually not so much la.. but.. think i lately drink quite often.. hmz.. i am tired.. shack.. today.. is just any other day.. that my heart and mind is filled with mixed thoughts.. just want to drunk myself now.. and forget everything..

Heli Dont ask me why 12:01 AM

Friday, July 4

hm.. realise that many people are feeling down lately.. and also.. i think i lost my power of "pyscho"ing or talking or cheering people up.. whatever you call it.. i don't seem to be able to do so anymore.. at least i don't now.. friends around me.. turning sad one by one.. and i feel so helpless.. coz i don't seem to be able to do anything to help.. i am not stressing myself again that i should help.. but.. just that feeling.. and some of you just put on a smiley on your face.. hey.. i think i am a better actor or actress than you.. don't smile just becoz you have to.. juz becoz you dun wan people to worry.. so be happy.. real happy.. bcoz.. only when u guys are happy.. den i will be happy..

i dun care if i am able to solve ur problem a not..
but i want to let you know..
no matter how the journey..
how long it will be..
i enjoy accompanying you..
be with you to go through this long and tough journey i will walk with you till the end..
and if i have to go.. i will go..
but rest assure..
i will still be shining on you during your darkest hour..
if you can't see a light leading you out..
my star will brighten you.
everybody enter and leave in each life.. i
wun be with you forever
physically...
but mentally..
i hope.. i will stay in you forever.. and ever..

this goes out to all of my friends.. whoever that knows me.. close or somewhat strangers.. suddenly wanted to say this to everyone.. every single one of you.. i know in this world.. there are thousands and millions of problems awaiting us ahead.. and i can't solve every single one just like you are facing one now.. perhaps.. when we can't solve them.. it's friends that acts like a wall for us to fall back on.. and then we realise how important one friendship is.. i know certain problems we can't share.. we can't tell others.. but constantly remind yourself.. even if others don't know your problem.. i bet they will be behind you always.. always.. and one of them.. i want to let all of you know.. i will be one of them.. if in the middle of the night.. u woke up after a terrible dream.. you feel as if the world is so dark so dark.. and you feel lonely. sad.. pick up your phone.. go to the phonebook.. and look for - heli.. and press the calling button.. call out for my name.. i shall listen.. don't be afraid that i will be angry or what.. i will be glad to listen to you.. okay?

to the person i said this to you: isolating yourself from the rest of the world.. is that what you really want? don't you wish that people around you will care for you? don't treat yourself badly.. and your friends too.. what are friends for..? to take in and give out.. you share problems together.. and laugh at each other jokes.. i don't know what happen.. but i guess saying all those above.. i guess you would understand what i meant..?

to my mei: i don't know what happen to you lately.. hm.. and i realised that both of us haven't talk much lately.. busy with school? sometimes i see you, i wanted to ask you how are you or stuffs.. but there's something within me that stops me from doing so.. becoz you are the kind that wants to forget all problems.. and be a happy-go-lucky.. and if i asked, it would probably brings you even more sadness.. hm.. just want to reassure you again.. jie always here.. never will ever give up on you...

to belle: hi gerl.. happy 17th bday.. din get a chance to celebrate with you today.. hm.. hope you had enjoyed yourself thoroughly today.. hmz.. knew you ever since sec 1 or 2 ba.. and you had always taken care of me like a younger sister.. providing me with lots of advices always.. whenever i met with any problems.. and had brighten up my life.. thank you so much.. hope we can stay in contact always.. happy birthday. =)

to the rest.. whatever i said.. is all above.. i don't know why i want to say this suddenly.. done lots of things without explanations lately.. but i told myself.. to do whatever i want to do.. certain things in life, we don't need to have any explanation for anything.. hmz.. okay.. i haven't type so much for a long time.. take care pals.. school had resume for a week.. hope all of you will work hard in the coming weeks.. prelim would be coming soon.. all the best.. let's work hard together..

Heli Dont ask me why 9:17 PM

Wednesday, July 2

today's my eldest brother birthday.. and i just passed him the present.. well.. kind of awkward facing him.. and saying the words out.. hmz.. about 6 to 7 years since we really engage into a conversation.. don't know.. everyday.. we don't talk.. and it's really... kind of treating one another like transparent.. passing each other without talking.. looking at each other.. believe it or not.. i feared looking at them.. *shrugs*.. don't ask me why.. and maybe seems pathetic to you guys.. i think.. i am just used to it.. hmz.. yearned for a warmth.. cozy kind of family in the past.. but.. i think i would prefer the lifestyle i am leading now.. especially after what had happened.. hmz.. i would rather things be as it is now.. can't take any other blow anymore.. hmz.. in the past kept saying my brothers.. or rather my family don't talk to each other.. maybe.. i am the one who's got problem.. don't know.. or maybe i shouldn't stay in the family at all..? =S

Heli Dont ask me why 11:06 PM

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